It was supposed to be just another day for Kusum Begum when she went into Shadman's room to follow her usual routine of cleaning it and leaving the fan turned off on her way out. However, what she witnessed left her scarred and traumatised. 

"I heard a Messenger notification alert. His friend had sent him an 8-second-long video meme. Shadman didn't even open the video. He simply replied 'xD' and closed the chat-head," shivered Kusum as she explained the harrowing details of the grim incident. "Worst of all, he didn't even have a glimpse of a smile on his lips. In my years of household service, I had never seen anyone behave with such cruelty and deception. He held a complete poker face while typing in the holy words of the Internet."

The incident shook his friends to their core, including Mim Manob, Shadman's closest confidante, "We'd start our mornings together with misogynist Patrick Bateman memes and end them with depressing ones. Shadman would always be quick in reacting to my memes and replying with 'xD', and the occasional 'LMAO'.  I knew I could always trust him with my twisted sense of humour without the risk of getting cancelled on social media. With his constant support, Shadman made me feel very special and let me live under the delusion that I would nail it as a stand-up comedian!"

"I've often been deemed insensitive by the people around me," continues Mim, "Right after my girlfriend's cat's funeral, I sent her a meme of a dead cat saying, "I thought I had nine lives." Naturally, she dumped me. Back then, Shadman was my only support. He always delivered on an 'XD' no matter what the occasion. He's always been the best at hiding his true self from the rest of the world under the cloak of internet memes. Together, we learned the art of using memes as a cry for help. But now you're telling me that the man I've been conversing with through memes the past two years is a fraud! All this time, when he sent me those magical two letters, I pictured Shadman laughing out loud, like God's most beautiful angel! As it turns out, those were just false pretences! Who do I trust anymore? I might as well just go out and talk to real-life people like a maniac!"

The Internet Police has filed a case against Shadman. The spokesperson for the Internet Police said, "This isn't Shadman's first internet crime. Back in 2014, Shadman had used ROFL once whereas he wasn't actually rolling on the floor laughing. In the past, we excused his misuse of LMAO, LOL with official warnings. According to article 28.4 of the Internet Constitution, the intensity of laughter must be proportional to the number of 'D's used in 'xD'. However, Mr Shadman didn't even flinch while using three extra 'D's in his 'xDDDD'. A psychopath like him cannot be left roaming on the websites."

"In fact, the only time Mr Shadman was honest with his internet lingo was when he posted a photo comment of Mosharraf Karim saying 'Keu Amare Mairala' during his university entrance exams," concluded the spokesperson.  

Remind Ifti to be quieter at [email protected]