Two Singaporean soldiers are talking. Tan: "Pass the tiramisu." Lim: "Cannot-la." Tan: "Why not?" Lim: "Against army regulations to help another soldier to dessert."
Ba-dum! That joke was inspired by the many letters I received about a scandalous photo published recently on Facebook of a Singapore soldier strolling along empty-handed while his poor domestic helper followed behind carrying his enormous military back-pack. The incident created much laughter in Singapore and outside. Good to see that Singaporeans can laugh at themselves.
So with thanks to Irene, Jason, Ms. Gee, Prasad and other readers, here are eight more Lion City army jokes.
2) A Nato soldier, standing guard in the rain with a 20-kilo pack on his back, says: "Life is hard." A People's Liberation Army soldier, standing in the snow in an ill-fitting uniform with a long march ahead, says: "Life is hard." A Singaporean army cadet taking his iPad out of the 15-kilo pack his maid is carrying, says: "No Wi-Fi?! WTF?!"
3) The commander sees the hopeless results of Private Tan's shooting exercises and his face falls. Tan, knowing that he has done badly, says: "Sorry, sir. I feel like going to a quiet corner and shooting myself." The commander says: "Good idea-la. I suggest you take a LOT of bullets."
4) Private Lim fails basic training and reports to the commander for punishment. The officer says: "Chose your own forfeit. One month's loss of privileges or 20 days' pay."The Singapore cadet thinks about it. "I guess I'll take the money."
5) As a joint exercise of Southeast Asian forces gets underway, a Malaysian general says to a Thai colonel: "I just discovered something that does the work of fifty soldiers." The Thai asks: "Really? What is it?" The Malaysian replies: "Two hundred Singaporean soldiers."
6) The term "secure the building" means different things to different military personnel.
Nato troops: "Occupy the premises and prevent anyone else entering."
US Marines: "Make an all-sides armed assault on the place, and then defend it with suppressive fire."
Singapore soldiers: "Take out a three-year lease with an option to buy."
7) Seven ways the Singapore army is trying to boost recruitment:
i) Military transport flights now earn frequent flier miles;
ii) Superiors can now be addressed as "Dude;"
iii) Army walkie-talkies replaced with latest iPhones;
iv) There's always plenty of parking at the mall when you're driving a tank;
v) Radar screen toggles with user's Facebook page;
vi) New uniform to be issued in Ermenegildo Zegna herringbone with silk Hermes lining;
vii) Army rations now include freeze-dried Starbucks latte.
8) The three golden rules for Singapore Cadets:
i) If it doesn't move, hide behind it;
ii) If it does move, surrender to it;
iii) If it has four legs and isn't a table, eat it.
9) A Singapore radio station receives a call. "This is the military. Can you tell us the exact time?" The deejay asks: "Who wants to know?" The caller says: "What difference does that make?"
The deejay explains: "If you are spies, it's three o'clock. If you are pilots, it's 15 hundred hours. If you are navy guys, it's six bells. If you are local army cadets, it's 120 minutes to happy hour."

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