There is a cat in my house. She is called Coco. She doesn't speak much or even know how to type other than sending meaningless emojis. She tries to murder my harmless, scaredy-cat dog for absolutely no reason. She will just walk up to him like traffic police having spotted a parked car and slap a fine for merely existing. Not cool. She will roll in the sand after a bath. She will not respond when I call and will try her level best to steal food from the kitchen. It gets annoying. And I realise we have friends that act just like her, just like a cat.

First thing to do is to identify how your cat is being annoying

Is it the clingy type wanting attention all the time? I hate the fur on my sweater. Maybe the cat is selfish and only comes to you when it is in need of something. Yesterday, while painting my living room, I asked the cat to get me the small roller. She just sat there. Two hours later, she comes mewing for food. Selfish much?

Perhaps it is broken promises. You know how the cartoons have always told us cats provide hours of companionship even when you're not using a laser pointer? Most cats just do not care. They will cuddle with you but only for your warmth or to mark you as their possession. So what do you do?

Let others distract the cat

If you must meet and hangout, do it with a bunch of other people and animals. When Coco the cat comes around to annoy me again, I try to have other people around so I can ignore it. My son, who is the supposed owner of the cat but really doesn't do any of the cleaning, loves to play with her. Sometimes I have human friends come over who love to pet the cat. Seems that is a good way to deal with annoying human friends as well. You meet them, do your bit for Facebook with photos and a check-in, but have other friends to act as a buffer.

Sometimes, just give them away

Well, I don't mean abandonment but maybe you can find them other interests so they annoy you less. My cat is interested in hunting rodents but is an absolute wuss when faced with large rats. Perhaps I can send her to a self-defence class for cats. Anyone knows of a good karate school for cats, email me at the address below. With human friends, you can do the same. Find them something THEY are interested in and slowly, tirelessly nudge them towards doing just that. Do they like anime? Find out new things to watch, download and hand them the dubious pendrive. Do they enjoy the great outdoors? Find a good deal and send them the link on social media. Single? Help them get hooked so they can bother someone else.

Communicate

There is no getting around it. We often avoid talking about it because we don't want to hurt their feelings. We react defensively as a result. We could be working together but not speak. We could even be playing DOTA online siting across a table and not utter a word because we are mad. In case of Coco the cat, I might even push her off the window sill. But nothing will change unless we communicate.

I spoke to the cat today. Told her I appreciate that she chases rats and tries to murder them. It keeps my garage clean and my car engine bay cleaner. No more chewed wires. But does she always need to chase the rats INTO our home? She seemed to have listened with a couple of blinks. Sometimes, we just need to tell people because reacting is often more hurtful than telling them what an utter jerk they are being. Or…. 

Stop being an annoying friend

Sometimes, that just might be the case. How do you know for sure? Find out if you have any friends. If not, you are the annoying one.

Want me to provide ridiculously, almost useful tips on life, sandwiches and other stuff? Let me know your woes at [email protected]

Ehsanur Raza Ronny is a confused dad, all-round car guy, model car builder, and cartoonist. He is also Editor of Shift (automobiles), Bytes (technology), and Next Step (career) of The Daily Star.