We need to learn to lose
It is fascinating how learning to lose and accepting defeat as a process starts at a young age. The significance of humbling oneself and letting go of pride, as a pivotal part of our psychosocial development, cannot be overstated. This realisation actively hit me a couple of nights ago while playing a juvenile game of Snakes and Ladders with my six-year-old nephew.
My nephew is a smart and inquisitive child, and seems to be quite ambitious. Few days back, while playing Snakes and Ladders he was losing. This imminent defeat didn't sit well with him and he immediately threw the board away, followed by a tantrum. Though not unusual, his reaction was concerning. The episode reminded me of Serena Williams' reaction when Naomi Osaka won the US Open.
To recap on the Serena Williams incident, in the 2018 US Open final, the chair umpire issued Serena a warning when her coach tried signalling certain instructions to her, which she maintains she was unaware of. And, therefore, didn't appreciate the "warning". Serena and the umpire got into a verbal altercation and the latter heavily penalised her, putting her at a clear disadvantage in the game. Serena ultimately lost to 20-year-old Naomi Osaka. As fair as Serena's outrage was to defend her name when she felt slighted, how she spoke when Naomi was named the champion was inelegant coming from a professional sportsperson. Serena was a sore loser, making the defeat about her mistreatment, taking credit away from young Osaka's hard-earned victory. It seemed to me that one of the best athletes in the world also has to learn how to be a gracious loser.
One might ask: how does a kid's tantrum match up to an elite athlete's loss? Accepting and appreciating defeat starts early. As he grows older, I hope my nephew learns that there's no shame in defeat. It is a mere part of the learning process, which sometimes matters more than the result itself. It's paramount to savour the inevitability of not being the most skilled in a certain area at some points of time, because skill levels oscillate: it can improve or can worsen. Being a gracious loser means accepting that at some point in time—accepting that I did the best that I could, but someone else did better. To acknowledge my deficiencies and to strive to learn and grow from it. This humility is the key to progressing in life. This outlook pushes one to learn and evolve for the better.
In her lifelong research on mindset psychology traits, Professor Carol Dweck emphasises on the impact of "Growth Mindset" in learning capacities. The most agile learners are those with growth mindsets, who acknowledge the elasticity of skill levels and see challenges and obstacles as opportunities. As opposed to the learners with a "fixed mindset", who believe talent is innate and constant. We need to teach others and ourselves to have growth mindsets. Learning to accept our shortcomings is a major step to get there.
Accepting failure is not only a trait required in competitive situations but is an integral part of a person's being. Growing up with affirmations that one is "best at everything" is damaging for the individual in the long run. I once knew someone who was raised in a parochial community and believed that they were "the best at everything": the best sportsperson, the smartest student, and the best looking. As an adult, when they were in a diverse mix of people more talented than they were, they rejected all comparison and despised any criticism. It was unbearable for them to think that someone was better than them at anything. As a result, they would have outbursts that were taxing on people around them. At the time, I lacked the vocabulary to describe their predicament, but now I have learned their behaviour was symptomatic of "The Golden Child Syndrome".
Psychologists often use the term "Golden Child" in describing narcissistic parenting. The parents of the Golden Child coddle and praise them, often unduly, for their good looks, intelligence and skills. As a result, they grow up with a grandiose ego and an inflated sense of self. Unfortunately, as adults, their skills and talents might not match the praises that fuelled them. This may lead to a profound identity crisis and an inability to accept their flaws. Instead of looking inwards, the Golden Child blames external reasons for all their problems and defeats. They accredit failed relationships to their partners' inability to love them, not their lack of compassion; a poor academic score on biased faculty, not the absence of hard work; a lost game on unfair circumstances, not the winner's grit. The Golden Child, now an adult, does not cope well unless the limelight is constantly on them and tries to turn every situation into something about them.
Naturally, a child wants to be the centre of attention. But it is up to adults to teach them to become their own person and recognise their self-worth—independent of others' approval. They need to appreciate the talents of others and become inspired, not ultra-competitive. Here, the caveat remains that teaching to accept failure does not mean teaching to be complacent. Complacency is smug and petty. Similarly, teaching appreciation cannot be through comparison. Comparison intimidates. Children have to be taught through inspiration. Inspiration nurtures and motivates.
Learning to be gracious losers requires learning to be better, not the best. We learn to be gracious losers when competing with ourselves. It is in constantly becoming a better version of oneself and knowing that the best one is yet to come. Letting a child win does not teach them how to win, rather stifles their growth. Teaching a child to lose makes them win in the long run.
Nousheen Nower Zoarder studied LLB at the University of Dhaka.
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